The Hlist: Everything That Happened Last Saturday in College Football and More

OPENING KICKOFF

“I’ve taken more pills in the last two months than I’ve taken all my life. … I’m not letting anybody get near me with a knife.” — Penn State Coach Joe Paterno, who watched his team’s win at Purdue from the press box because of pain in his hip and leg.

FIRST DOWNS

1. Double Decker: You Iowa fans in the crowd are keenly aware Michigan State linebacker Adam Decker kind of messed up the Hawkeyes’ final offensive play in MSU’s 16-13 win.

Decker stuffed Shonn Greene for a 3-yard loss on Fourth-and-a-foot. He called it the most exhilarating play of his life. His teammates seemed to agree with the way they pounded on Decker’s helmet.

“I had to tell them to stop,” he said. “No, it felt good.”

Minnesota wide receiver Eric Decker had a big day of his own. He had 13 receptions for 190 yards in the Gophers’ 16-7 win over Indiana.

Wrote Rachel Blount in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune: “The Gophers would commit a turnover, or allow (Adam) Weber to be sacked, or fail to give their running backs any room to operate.

“Those stumbles ignited groans that echoed off the wide swaths of empty seats. Then Decker’s sure hands would keep a drive going and defuse the frustration while he tied the school record for most catches in a game.”

2. Flying Tigers: Missouri 52, Nebraska 17.

“That’s what they get for scheduling us for homecoming,” said Tigers tailback Derrick Washington, who rushed for 139 yards in just 14 carries and scored three touchdowns in Lincoln.

“That’s kind of like we’re a bad team or something.”

Missouri has been the Cornhuskers’ foot wipe for decades. The 52 points were the most a Mizzou team ever scored against the Huskers. It was the Tigers’ first win at Nebraska since 1978.

“That wasn’t just about the 2008 football team,” Pinkel said. “It’s about 30 years of fans from around the world and a lot of former Missouri players.”

The Kansas City Star’s Jason Whitlock sees No. 3 Mizzou as something other than bad. His words:

“Gary Pinkel has constructed arguably the nation’s most lethal offense.

“There’s just no way to stop Chase Daniel, Jeremy Maclin, Chase Coffman and Derrick Washington. I’m not sure you can slow them. We know Nebraska can’t.”

3. Geeked Up: Before Vanderbilt played Auburn in Nashville, a sign in the Vanderbilt student section proclaimed “Geeks Rule the Turf!” The geeks were omniscient.

Vanderbilt is the smallest and sole private school in the Southeastern Conference. Its 14-13 upset over Auburn was its first triumph over the Tigers since 1955. The Commodores are 5-0 for the first time since 1943.

“This is what coaches live for,” Vanderbilt Coach Bobby Johnson said after the game. “I live to walk into the locker room and see how happy our players are.”

Joe Biddle of The Tennessean: “I didn’t check with Nashville International Airport air traffic control to get official confirmation, but I did see a significant number of pigs flying around Vanderbilt Stadium on Saturday night.”

4. Oklahoma is OK: Oklahoma has three FBS football programs.

Tulsa: 5-0, first in the nation in scoring with 56.4 points per game.

Oklahoma State: 5-0, third in the nation in scoring with 52.6 points per game.

Oklahoma: 5-0, fourth in the nation in scoring with 49.6 points per game.

All three average at least 530 yards.

Tulsa is 5-0 for the first time since 1945. Slick Shelley returned a punt for a TD in the Hurricanes’ 63-28 dismantling of Rice on Saturday. The Hlist tells you that for one reason: To get the name “Slick Shelley” in print.

FUMBLES

1. League of Lethargy: Which is rarer these days in Big Ten football, razzle or dazzle?

The five Big Ten games played Saturday had an average of 36 points. In stark contrast, an average of 71 points were scored in the six Big 12 games.

It wasn’t Michigan’s fault Big Ten end zones were so seldom visited. The Wolverines got trampled by cool Juice Williams’ Illinois team in their 45-20 defeat.

“This is ridiculous right now,” Michigan Coach Rich Rodriguez rued.

“I’m mad. I’m sorry. What do you want from me? I don’t like losing. I don’t want to accept it. I don’t want anybody in this program accepting it.”

Illinois Coach Ron Zook: “I would say it’s a big, big win for us, but we have to keep it in perspective and understand that every win is a big one,” Zook said. “Michigan had a big win last weekend and understand that in the Big Ten it’s one game at a time.”

The Hlist eagerly awaits Tina Fey’s impersonation of Zook on the next Saturday Night Live.

2. A Basketball State: The state of Indiana, fortunately, still has hoops.

Indiana, Iowa’s next opponent, didn’t get its first first-down at Minnesota until 2:29 remained in the first half. That was Minnesota’s defense, not Ohio State’s.

Purdue’s Curtis Painter, who has started 37 straight games for the Boilermakers at quarterback, was yanked from the game in the fourth quarter of his team’s 20-6 loss to Penn State.

Boilermakers Coach Joe Tiller said Painter’s lone interception was the last straw.

“It was a horrible throw, a horrible decision,” Tiller said. “There’s no way to sugarcoat it. It was really, really ugly.”

But hey, Indiana can also claim Ball State, 6-0 and in the AP Top 25 for the first time ever.

3. Tapout: Ultimate Fighting Championship star Chuck Liddell was on the sideline at the Missouri-Nebraska game, wearing a red Cornhuskers jersey.

Liddell co-owns two bars in Lincoln. They undoubtedly got business Saturday night from Big Red fans trying to drink to forget their 52-17 walloping.

“I’m sick to my stomach after this game,” sober NU quarterback Joe Ganz said. “I don’t want to feel like this again. We better get this ship righted. Otherwise it’s going to be another long season.”

Nebraska defensive end Pierre Allen sounded tipsy based on this comment he made after the game:

“We got great talent and great depth. It’s all about executing. We can compete with anybody in the country.”

Well, anybody but Missouri.

FINAL GUN

“How’s O.J. going to find the real killer now?” — radio show host Jim Rome.

The Hlist: Terrelle Pryor is the Man

Opening kickoff

“This was billed as a statement game at Pitt, but the only statement one could decipher afterward was this: ‘We’re not as bad as Iowa.’” — Joe Starkey, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

First downs

1. Pryor Engagement: So this is how the Terrelle Pryor era began as Ohio State’s starting quarterback. Four touchdown passes and 66 yards rushing in a 28-10 win over Troy.

“I’ve been making plays all my life,” said the freshman.

But Pryor doesn’t sound like a total braggart.

“I thought I messed up a lot,” he said. “When we sit down in the film room, I’m going to get yelled at a lot. That’s a good thing.”

Even with Illinois’ Juice Williams, Purdue’s Curtis Painter and Penn State’s Darryl Clark, Pryor may already be the Big Ten’s best quarterback.

2. Excess of SEC-cess: The Southeastern Conference plays a little football.

This week in the AP rankings: 3. Georgia, 4. Florida, 5. LSU, 8. Alabama.

Florida mauled conference rival Tennessee in Knoxville, 30-6. Gators head coach Urban Meyer lauded his defensive line coach, someone well-known to Iowans.

“I just look at our D-line and they hung with a very good offensive line,” Meyer said. “Dan McCarney is a special coach. He’s energetic and you see it translating onto the field.”

Vanderbilt (4-0 overall, 2-0 in the SEC) hasn’t had a winning season since 1982. It climbed into the AP poll at No. 21, its first appearance in the rankings since 1984 and second since 1958.

“I think it’s a pretty good reward for a good start,” Vanderbilt Coach Bobby Johnson said of the ranking. “Our guys are pretty smart. They realize it won’t help you win games.”

3. JoePa Can’t Kick: Penn State is 4-0 after a 45-3 drubbing of Temple. The Nittany Lions have beaten the Owls the last 26 times they met.

PSU Coach Joe Paterno watched the second half from the Lions’ coaches’ box in the press box. He hurts. His right leg has been sore since he made an onside kick to close the Thursday practice before his team’s first game. That’s a ritual Paterno had long had, for fun. No more.

The media wanted news about the leg after Saturday’s game.

“I’ve got a bunch of guys out there fighting all kinds of adversity with different lineups, hanging in there together, all right?” Paterno said. “And you’re worried about my leg. Now, if you were a bunch of good-looking girls, I’d feel better about it.”

4. Ball of Fire: Ball State had lost all 43 of its games against teams from the six BCS conferences. Then it won at Indiana, 42-20, to improve to 4-0.

Sadly, Ball State receiver Dante Love’s football career is expected to be over because of the back fracture he suffered in the game. Love entered the game as the nation’s leader with 144.3 receiving yards a game.

The good news is, according to a Ball State spokesman, that Love is expected to be able to live a normal and healthy life after rehabilitation.

Fumbles

1. Peanut Gallery is Nuts: Booing college quarterbacks has become a national phenomenon.

Ohio State senior quarterback Todd Boeckman took just two snaps against Troy in a reserve role. He got loudly booed at Ohio Stadium when his lone pass was incomplete. This was the guy who threw 25 touchdown passes for last year’s Big Ten champions.

“Hey, we’re just kids,” said Buckeyes defensive lineman Lawrence Wilson. “We’re not professionals. There is no way adults should treat us that way.”

Boston College quarterback Chris Crane got jeered in the second quarter in his team’s home game against Central Florida.

“You hate to see that,” said BC Coach Jeff Jagodzinski about the booing. “Especially at home. But I guess it’s all part of (the game).”

Crane proceeded to play very well in the second half, leading the Eagles to 31 points in their 34-7 win.

Presumably, the fans cheered him.

2. Rocky Top Rocked: Losing 30-6 at home to Florida isn’t playing well in Tennessee.

Volunteers Coach Philip Fulmer is 5-12 against Florida. Since winning the 1998 national championship, he’s 20-25 against ranked opponents.

The booing was loud at times in Knoxville on Saturday. “There’s probably not anybody happy with me right now,” Fulmer said.

Jimmy Trodglen of the Clarksville Leaf Chronicle is one unhappy Tennessee sports editor.

“The Vols lack discipline, there’s no leadership on or off the field, play-calling is questionable and Fulmer continues to be outcoached,” Trodglen wrote.

“It’s time for Fulmer to pull onto Cumberland Avenue with his belongings carefully packed and not stop until he reaches his home.”

3. Irish Lapped: Notre Dame got caught with a laptop computer in the coaches’ box during its game at Michigan State.

Irish Coach Charlie Weis said the incident was a matter of an improperly located student manager recording down-and-distance information for game-tape dubbing.

“You’re allowed to do that,” Weis said. “But the one area where you’re not allowed to do that is in a coaching area.”

Michigan State caught the violation during the game, but Spartans Coach Mark Dantonio shrugged it off.

“I’ve never seen a computer or a camera make a tackle, catch a ball or anything,” Dantonio said.

No computer and few Irish defenders slowed MSU back Javon Ringer. He had 39 carries, 201 yards and two touchdowns in MSU’s 23-7 win.

4. Dark Knights: Rutgers was the feel-good story of college football when it went 11-2 in 2006. But the Scarlet Knights are again lousy. They fell to 0-3 for the first time since 1999 after a 23-21 loss to Navy, and looked stupid doing so.

Rutgers quarterback Mike Teel threw a punch at teammate Glen Lee as Teel came off the field late in the game.

“I apologize for losing my cool,” Teel said. “He was telling me to keep my head up and to get off the field. He was doing the right thing and what I did was so totally wrong.”

“It’s just in-house family stuff,” Lee said.

To which Tom Luicci of the Newark Star-Ledger replied, “Maybe if the family is Archie and the rest of the Bunkers.”

OK, the reference is a bit dated.

Final gun

“Call it whatever you want: courage, guts, confidence, arrogance, fearlessness, stones. Doesn’t matter what you call it, only that LSU Coach Les Miles has it.” — John DeShazier, New Orleans Times-Picayune.

Miles’ Tigers used a halfback pass for a TD and recovered an onside kick in the third quarter in their 26-21 win at Auburn.